Renal failure sucks

Woke up to the rain coming down in sheets. I love that sound, especially since I have really no reason to go out in it. Different story for Carmen. She's gotta work today and i'm pretty sure she'd rather stay in bed with me and the cats. Don't really feel all that bad today. Usually every bone and joint aches pretty damn bad which makes every movement hard to do which in turn makes me fucking have zero goddamn patience and am irritated to no end. This sometimes leads me to not wanna do anything or as little as possible. Painkillers help. And I mean real painkillers, not over the counter tylenol or advil or alleve. Even t3's are a joke. The other day cause i'd been feeling like complete ass all day and one of my best friends was in town and our plans were to hang out I took some T3's which he had brought with him. I obviously had none of my own. He looked kinda shocked when he saw i-----HANG THE FUCK ON FOR A SEC!! from now on in this blog and all that m ay come after i'm not using capitals to start a new sentence! it's too damn annoying!...does this mean im lazy? i could give a shit...come to think of it most punctuation might just fall by the wayside cause i mean really, am i getting graded on this? hell no...anyways, where was i...oh yea... he(my friend from L.A. figure it out if u can) was surprised i threw back 5 T3's without hesitating...considering ive been getting painkillers for more than half my life, ive got a fairly high tolerance...im not abusing anything and hopefully once my parathyroid gets cut out those can be a thing of the past...well maybe some recreational use from time time...hey, im no alter boy...plus the person who means more to me than anything else would rather i didnt take them...it actually turned out on a few occasions that the side effects from the painkillers weather its percocets or oxys arent worth it...i mean not being able to shit for a week REALLY FUCKING SUCKS THE HIGH HARD ONE!!! feeling pissed off, hot flashes, cold flashes, sluggishness in and out of the bathroom every 20 min because my body would tell me that "This is it!" "Its time to let er fly!" "Fucking haaul ass in there  Berube and take care of buisiness!"....only to get in there, sit on the throne and have ZERO fucking happen!...repeat this all day for a few days and you can bet that im one goddamn pissed off person...this has been a regular thing for the last 2 years or so...it makes trying to do anything a fucking hassle...so pain pills in moderation....hopefully once i start nocturnal dialysis more of my meds can be eliminated as well...i mean at the moment im taking 2 xtra strength Tums 3x a day before each meal to help bind to things like phosphorus, 2 sodium bicarbonate, 2 10mg ramipril which helps with blood pressure....mine is pretty fuckin high....getting rid of ANY blood pressure medication is every person with kidney disease dream...the side effects from blood pressure meds fucking suck! they do they're best to rob a man of one of life's most pleasurable things....yes thats right they try and keep you from "standing at attention" so to speak...my doctors actually told me because of  1. my blood pressure meds 2. the fact i have kidney disease 3. because im on dialysis 4. because of my past getting radiation treatment and chemotherapy...that i should expect to have an extremely, parden the pun, "hard" time getting "Matt jr." to wake up....let me tell you i spare no expense when comes to this....i went to see an endocrineologist who set me up with steroids(pure testosterone injections), and alot of scripts for viagra...i followed the docs regimine for the steroids but after like two months i wanted more of a bang...i mean it was helping out but i wanted to feel as close to how a normal person feels if not better....ah i'll continue later.
 So to continue, after a couple months the testosterone injections just werent cutting it anymore...i mean it was working, i had more energy i was definitley hornier and i felt pretty good but, i wanted more results....so i upped the dose of the steroids to those that rival someone who lives and breathes working out at the gym...i even asked people who had experience in this...well holy good god did i fucking notice a difference...i mean i was constantly i mean CONSTANTLY turned on and hornier than i had ever been in my life!...on a daily basis any guy will tell you that they see attractive women around town that they'd like to get it on with....well this turned into any and every woman...minus children of course...fat, skinny, old, weird, smelly, it didn't matter. it was almost funny....anyways i'm really getting off topic of the point of this blog so lets just say after a few months of this the side effects were too much for me to take and i shelved the steroids...havent taken any in two years but i'm really thinking of starting them back up...albeit a different brand and i'll stick with the required dose....
   Been house sitting for the last two days/nights. My girls sister is married to a great friend of mine and theyve got a great old place...it kinda sucks taking the stairs up and down to the bedroom because of my leg but we're leaving today...have felt fairly good the last few days...no leg pain, and stomach, even though its not perfect is kinda stable, well maybe not stable its just been better...gotta go to VGH today to see Dr. Mcgeregor about my parathyroidectomy....it's been two years that ive been trying to get it taken out...i flaked out on a few appts at st.Pauls so they sent me to VGH cause id pissed them off at St.Pauls....then the olympics came and the doc said nothing was happening around then...then I mangled my leg....THEN, surgery was booked but once again i pulled the chute because of my leg...shit, people can be pissed at me and disappointed that I cancelled it but when i'm already going to dialysis on crutches with a broken ankle and an air cast plus a knee brace to help with stabilizing my knee from the ruptured quadriceps tendon, i didn't need any thing else on my plate....fucking all that crap was enough, so i called the fucker off.....so now even though my leg isn't fully healed, its good enough, im using a cane but taking transit isn't all that bad...dialysis seems to be going ok as well...some days the hardest part of dialysis is the commute...wet, dirty, smelly....and thats the people that surround me, the buses arent too bad...except theres always the driver who even though they see that im using a cane, cant take the two seconds it takes to lower the bus to make it easier for me to get on...dicks! then they drive like theyve never been behind the wheel before...dicks!...
  Well this week will be especially long...aside from the consultation today ive got my usual dialysis wednesday nite and friday nite...but friday ive gotta see the pre-transplant team at St.Pauls...i'll talk with the doc, nurses, social worker about things...this combined with some tests in the coming week or two....nothing i aint done before 100 times....im pretty sure its so my file is up to date...i havent seen them in like 3 years so the results will likely be different and they wanna have things to be as recent as possible for when transplant becomes a possibility...which is something i dont think about much really...i dont wake up and think "today is the day!!!"...why?...cause it isnt.....there is no date, there is only a very vague time frame which i gave myself and that always changes....i have to say i dont even really think about it in a way like "this has to happen soon"....i dont really think about it like that....
 Anyways I have an appt to go to. I hope somebody will actually read this...and if you do could you leave a comment so i know that there is actually somebody reading this nonsense.

Renal failure sucks

I accidentally ended the last blog cause I'm fucking green when it comes to using the site. I'm ending this one now because I'm using my iPhone in bed, my fingers are cramping, I'm sweating fucking bullets(insert Megadeth vocals here) and well the copper moon that Carmen and I drank is slowing me down. Later today I'll get into why I really started this. So go to bed.

Renal failure sucks.

It's Saturday september 24th, no wait it's actually the 25th now cause it's around 4am. These days it really makes no difference if I have what would be called "normal" sleep patterns. When I wrecked my leg bowling last year it ruined those. It also threw a wrench into what was already a life of ALOT of ups and downs. We'll get to the drama of the leg later. This blog is gonna be about my trials and, I wanna say tribulations, about living with kidney disease but, fuck that word. My life is trials. No tribulations. So fuck them. I'm just gonna take a moment to exPlain that in this blog my grammar will be good/shoddy. Depending on how I feel. Same goes for spelling and the use of foul language. If this offends you, fuck off. Go read the fucking daily news. I couldnt give a fuck. I'm not saying I'm gonna sit here and Press people's buttons and try and offend them. Not at all. The fact is that alot of my life and the way I'll be explaining things in it isn't pretty and alot of it fucking sucks ass. That combined with how irritated I can get because of the amount if toxic shit in my blood at any given time makes for some x rated reading.