Kidney disease sucks

so obviously if youre reading these rantings youll realize i havent written jack shit in a while...the past couple of weeks have seen me injure myself like a fuckin circus clown to no fuckin end...i think i mentioned the awesome bail outside my house that fucked my knee again...man i even laughed at that one...then i wrecked my rotater cuff, which wasn't all bad but still...then last friday my fistula clotted near the end of my dialysis run...i was told to come in the next day to see the doc which i did but because it was a saturday there was nothing that coild be done until monday i was told....actually i think somebody dropped the fuckin ball or was being extra fat and lazy and just said they didnt wanna bother with it...either way i came in monday...now im thinking all weekend that they'll send me to radiology and i'll have whats called a fistulagram/angioplasty....this is where they inject contrast into my fistula take pictures and find out where the problem lies...then they shove wires into the fistula which is actually a hevy duty vein and atrery combination that was created to give me dialysis, to guide the balloons into the fistula to expand the narrowing that re-occurs every couple months, only this time i figured theyd be removing the clots....well NO DICE!!!! somebody already made the decision that my fistula was fucking finished and i needed to be saddled up with a perm cath...a perm cath is a line inserted into the vein on your neck which runs down and has two tubes which hang off your body around the left or right side of your chest, depending on what side they use...this is for dialysis access until my fistula gets fixed or they make a new one somewhere else on my body, probably my other arm...fuck...now you believe i was upset at this, very fucking upset...i mean i know a fistula doesnt  last forever but fuck me...fuck sakes...so monday the put this fucker in and then come home....once at home i needed help getting up so my lady offered and as she pulled me up by both arms my left shoulder went CRACKPSSSFSFTSFSTS!!!...and proceeded to hurt like fuck...now an arm that was just hurt a bit is now stuck to my side because i cant lift it for shit without it screaming out for vengance at me...fuck off...fuck

theres a fella i met named Bubba and he and i became pals...we made fun of each other cause we both use a cane...anyways he decided that he wanted to be a donor for me and he came with me to one of my appts to find out his blood type...blood was drawn and two weeks later he tells me he is O+ which is awesome because that means hes a universal donor and can donate to anyone...its good because im O- which is fuckin pretty rare...he's now onto a shitload of tests which could either make or break the donation...i tell you i was fuckin blown away by Bubba, hes one scary lookin dude with long hair a beard sleeves of tattoos and he sure does block alot of sun....but hes the sweetest person youll ever meet, an i aint just sayin that cause hes stickin his neck out for me...he fucking is.
there was also another girl whom i worked with that was going to donate a few years back but when she got to the second round of tests they told her she couldnt continue for reasons i dont wish to share here, you rule Kassandra, all 100lbs of you,
since i was diagnosed with kidney disease/renal failure ive had people in my life express that theyd like to help me, i wont name names for fear somebody cant handle the truth and has a fucking conniption fit...alot of the time drunk friends would find out and tell me on the spot that they wanna be my donor and "letssss fuh-kin do th-hic-issss maaa-hic-nnn" "i'll fuhkin d-hic-onate" only to A. not remember saying fuck all and B. never bringing it up with me cause they opened theyre chicken shit mouth and wanted to be a hero while they were hosed...heres a fun fact: even though things a drunk says should be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes you dont know how serious they are, bottom line, youre fuckin playing with my life and personal well being grow up or fuck off!
theres also people who talk to me and show interest that arent drunks or drinking or under influence of any substance, to my knowledge anyways...they say they want to be a donor and i say thats awesome here are some numbers to call and these people will get you on the path to becoming a donor...its always really uplifting to hear something like this, from anybody...usually the person has had some kind of loss in their life and feel the need to do something to give back...which is really great for people in my position...ive also had friends come to me and express interest, which is potentially one of the most rewarding..
ive posted on facebook over the years that ive got kidney disease and need a kidney and the message goes to all my friends, something like 350 or something...now i dont think all of them faithfully use facebook but even after repeated postings about how kidney disease was ruining my life i wouldnt get barely 10 replies to it....shit sometimes i got fucking zero.
i had friends tell me they were interested but couldnt help at the moment because of bad timing and that in a while they would be able to....telling me at the same time they wondered why my "single friends with no spouse or kids" at the time hadnt gone to find out if they could be a donor, well they still havent gone even after calling out other friends of ours...this is weak if you ask me,
ive had friends tell me they feel guilty about not being a donor for me....well i tell ya THAT IS CRAP!
the bottom line is this...I DONT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS FROM ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO BE A DONOR!...people feeling guilty about not being a donor for whatever reason means i have expectations from them, the fact that theyre feeling guilty makes the situation about them, and it isnt, i love the fact that people wanna help me but for fuck sakes being honest is one of the best and most uplifting things you can do, what you think im gonna make fun? NO FUCKING WAY!!! being a donor means losing something,tests,hospital stays, needles, scalpels, etc etc...it sucks and takes a ton of dedication...it aint easy....
people have theyre reasons for changing their minds...i respect them all...the fact they show any interest is fucking killer and a hi fives to them...its just when some treat it as "oh whats cool this week?" type of scenario...fucking lame because they dont realize theyre playing with somebodys health and well being.
i may have ranted and offended some people but i still have a great place in my heart for anybody who has shown or done anything to help me and my fight against kidney disease...i just tell it like it is and how i see it which is how it happened...if that unsatisfactory to you...get your own disease.