Kidney disease sucks

so obviously if youre reading these rantings youll realize i havent written jack shit in a while...the past couple of weeks have seen me injure myself like a fuckin circus clown to no fuckin end...i think i mentioned the awesome bail outside my house that fucked my knee again...man i even laughed at that one...then i wrecked my rotater cuff, which wasn't all bad but still...then last friday my fistula clotted near the end of my dialysis run...i was told to come in the next day to see the doc which i did but because it was a saturday there was nothing that coild be done until monday i was told....actually i think somebody dropped the fuckin ball or was being extra fat and lazy and just said they didnt wanna bother with it...either way i came in monday...now im thinking all weekend that they'll send me to radiology and i'll have whats called a fistulagram/angioplasty....this is where they inject contrast into my fistula take pictures and find out where the problem lies...then they shove wires into the fistula which is actually a hevy duty vein and atrery combination that was created to give me dialysis, to guide the balloons into the fistula to expand the narrowing that re-occurs every couple months, only this time i figured theyd be removing the clots....well NO DICE!!!! somebody already made the decision that my fistula was fucking finished and i needed to be saddled up with a perm cath...a perm cath is a line inserted into the vein on your neck which runs down and has two tubes which hang off your body around the left or right side of your chest, depending on what side they use...this is for dialysis access until my fistula gets fixed or they make a new one somewhere else on my body, probably my other arm...fuck...now you believe i was upset at this, very fucking upset...i mean i know a fistula doesnt  last forever but fuck me...fuck sakes...so monday the put this fucker in and then come home....once at home i needed help getting up so my lady offered and as she pulled me up by both arms my left shoulder went CRACKPSSSFSFTSFSTS!!!...and proceeded to hurt like fuck...now an arm that was just hurt a bit is now stuck to my side because i cant lift it for shit without it screaming out for vengance at me...fuck off...fuck

theres a fella i met named Bubba and he and i became pals...we made fun of each other cause we both use a cane...anyways he decided that he wanted to be a donor for me and he came with me to one of my appts to find out his blood type...blood was drawn and two weeks later he tells me he is O+ which is awesome because that means hes a universal donor and can donate to anyone...its good because im O- which is fuckin pretty rare...he's now onto a shitload of tests which could either make or break the donation...i tell you i was fuckin blown away by Bubba, hes one scary lookin dude with long hair a beard sleeves of tattoos and he sure does block alot of sun....but hes the sweetest person youll ever meet, an i aint just sayin that cause hes stickin his neck out for me...he fucking is.
there was also another girl whom i worked with that was going to donate a few years back but when she got to the second round of tests they told her she couldnt continue for reasons i dont wish to share here, you rule Kassandra, all 100lbs of you,
since i was diagnosed with kidney disease/renal failure ive had people in my life express that theyd like to help me, i wont name names for fear somebody cant handle the truth and has a fucking conniption fit...alot of the time drunk friends would find out and tell me on the spot that they wanna be my donor and "letssss fuh-kin do th-hic-issss maaa-hic-nnn" "i'll fuhkin d-hic-onate" only to A. not remember saying fuck all and B. never bringing it up with me cause they opened theyre chicken shit mouth and wanted to be a hero while they were hosed...heres a fun fact: even though things a drunk says should be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes you dont know how serious they are, bottom line, youre fuckin playing with my life and personal well being grow up or fuck off!
theres also people who talk to me and show interest that arent drunks or drinking or under influence of any substance, to my knowledge anyways...they say they want to be a donor and i say thats awesome here are some numbers to call and these people will get you on the path to becoming a donor...its always really uplifting to hear something like this, from anybody...usually the person has had some kind of loss in their life and feel the need to do something to give back...which is really great for people in my position...ive also had friends come to me and express interest, which is potentially one of the most rewarding..
ive posted on facebook over the years that ive got kidney disease and need a kidney and the message goes to all my friends, something like 350 or something...now i dont think all of them faithfully use facebook but even after repeated postings about how kidney disease was ruining my life i wouldnt get barely 10 replies to it....shit sometimes i got fucking zero.
i had friends tell me they were interested but couldnt help at the moment because of bad timing and that in a while they would be able to....telling me at the same time they wondered why my "single friends with no spouse or kids" at the time hadnt gone to find out if they could be a donor, well they still havent gone even after calling out other friends of ours...this is weak if you ask me,
ive had friends tell me they feel guilty about not being a donor for me....well i tell ya THAT IS CRAP!
the bottom line is this...I DONT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS FROM ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO BE A DONOR!...people feeling guilty about not being a donor for whatever reason means i have expectations from them, the fact that theyre feeling guilty makes the situation about them, and it isnt, i love the fact that people wanna help me but for fuck sakes being honest is one of the best and most uplifting things you can do, what you think im gonna make fun? NO FUCKING WAY!!! being a donor means losing something,tests,hospital stays, needles, scalpels, etc etc...it sucks and takes a ton of dedication...it aint easy....
people have theyre reasons for changing their minds...i respect them all...the fact they show any interest is fucking killer and a hi fives to them...its just when some treat it as "oh whats cool this week?" type of scenario...fucking lame because they dont realize theyre playing with somebodys health and well being.
i may have ranted and offended some people but i still have a great place in my heart for anybody who has shown or done anything to help me and my fight against kidney disease...i just tell it like it is and how i see it which is how it happened...if that unsatisfactory to you...get your own disease.

Kidney disease sucks

so yea, i figured that i can suck it up and write...maybe i was being lazy or uninspired...most of this shit i write at night or around 4 or 5 am...
thru the next few years the efx of the chemo and radiation were kind of small and unremarkable...id have to piss every 2 hours, more if i was drinking alot, there was occasional clots that fucking surprised the living hell outta me when they happened, i mean my piss stream would suddenly slow down and stop and then all of a sudden theres pressure like fuckin mad like a champagne cork getting ready to blow and then fuh-kin BANG!....damn i hated those..
then in 1989 i started walking with a noticable limp that started getting pretty bad, turns out my right femur was slipping out of joint at the top where it connects to my pelvis....this was from the damn radiation that had weakend the socket and what holds the femur in place, so in order to fix this shit i had to get a four and a half inch screw drilled into my hip and femur which is now pinning it in place...i dont limp anymore, it worked out great although i wonder if the pain ive been getting from the top of my ass down the back of my legs to the bottom of my feet is related....this is a fucking pain ive been getting since 1993, like 18 fucking years...it always seemed directly related to sex...after sex is supposed to be a really enjoyable experience and yes i experienced many awesome times but also just as many times afterwards firing down xcess amounts of useless tylenol, advil, whatever crap was on hand, hot as hell showers, wishing i had a jacuzzi with some fucking jets as powerful as a firehose...just to try and get some relief from the fucking pain that usually lasted hours and hours, im still on the hunt for the cause of this pain...honestly i think its related to the small membranes that are wrapped around my testicles, no shit ive looked it up, im probably wrong but....

Kidney disease sucks

due to the fact that i wrecked my left shoulder last week and it fucking aint getting better i wont be continuing this story for i dont know how long....ive said it before and ill say it again...life can and will fuck off!!!!...where's my gun?

Kidney disease sucks

so by the time all the crap with my bladder and hospital stays it was like spring and i was still going to the cross cancer institute on thursdays and getting chemo...vincristine and another drug that i cant remember...both i.v....so by thursday afternoons im puking so fucking violent and hard people wonder if your fucking dying...i mean when it comes to puking or vomiting ive never had a problem with it...fuck, some people, even friends of mine, are scared to do it...can you believe that? scared!...whatever...and with my vast experiences with puking  ive realized theres basically two kinds...theres the standard ive got the flu and whats in my stomach my body hates and wants out so you get rid of it almost nicely...then theres medication induced puking, which is a whole different fucking beast altogether....your body absolutley hates and doesnt want anything to do with the drug....you start by expelling everything from your stomach and this keeps up for days...stomach constantly squeezing itself as hard and as tight as it can, wringing out every last drop of disgusting greenish yellow bile...all while you lay weak as shit on the couch with fucking every fast food fucking commercial blaring out of the fucking tv teasing you with ads of the best food in the world...this is the life of a cancer patient...well 70% of it...
In the next few months that passed i finished chemo and was starting to try and live as normal life as possible...hair was growing back, i was pissing every 2 hours but hey its better than a fucking bag and tubes up yer johnson...oh and every once in a while id piss out some pretty mean sized blood clots...those were fucked...i mean when something the size of a bluberry wants to come out of your body thru your urethra its gonna come out...and it dont feel like no holiday...it plain old sucks ass

Kidney disease sucks

So im trying to write as much as i can on a daily basis...but with some other shit to do it gets to be a problem with not having enough time....my blood pressures been abnormaly high for the last few days...i mean its already on the high side but were talking like 178/119.....now thats high enough to almost be guaranteeing some overnight hospital observation....but we just upped my pressure meds and we'll see what happens...also kinda tired, dialysis runs have been good....another thing is ive had zero fucking patience the last few days....either people have become dumber or i should relax a bit....my mom and dad came out so this weeks also been really fun with them...
Anyways back to the bl- ah-ah wait a sec i almost said that fucking stupid word, back to the story....
after a few months of chemo i started the 6th grade and around october i got introduced to the fantastic world of radiation treatment....yup for the next 3 months, twice a day, every day, my dad or mom, mostly dad, would drive us to south side of edmonton to the cross cancer institute so i could lay in this plaster cast mold and get high powered radioactive lasers blasted into me....pretty much hit my tailbone and al my lower back and butt...theres no pain involved in the actual x-ray but after a few weeks of this i ended up with the worst goddamn sunburn on my back and ass...fuckin blistering bleeding fucking skin....i would find out slowly over the next two and a half decades how much damage the cursed god awful fuckin radiation treatment actually did....
at this point i was taking the cylclophosphomide(the 7 little demon pieces of fucking hell) in the  evening before bed...and just after christmas i had to be admitted to u of a hospital because i was just too sick too be at home plus the pills had made my piss red and burning...and i was pissing every hour...
iys kind of hazy but iwas in the hospital for over two months....no school no friends no playing no good food and the feeling of somebody ringing out the life in your body 24 hours a day...sure the odd friend of mine came but at that age kids dont understand....i have to say i grew up really fast and it was during times like these two months that i became to realize how truly important family is
the pills eventually decimated my bladder until it was only able to hold about 30ml which ment pissing ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!...which couldnt happen so i was told i had to have a catheter inserted into my johnson, up my urethera and into my bladder, secured by a small inflated balloon so it doesnt slide out, which would be connected to a bag that i would wear strapped to my leg...every 2 hours or so it would be full and id empty it in the toilet....now let me tell you that the insertion of a catheter of any size up your penis does not and will never i mean NEVER FUCKING FEEL GOOD!!!..i mean its like your pissing out a pencil, it fucking sucks....real nice for an 11 year old.
i kept this goddamn thing on for months as i went for this treatment my dad and doctors had found for my bladder...now this doozy is one for the fuckking books i tell ya...every week i would get this drug called DMSO injected up the catheter that  i had up my junk already, and into my bladder with the hope that it would stretch my bladder back to the size and elasticity that a normal person would have...well it fuckin burned like hellfire inside and burned and burned and burned some more all the while reaking of garlic and stretching my bladder bak to somewhat normal size....yea it really smelled like garlic for some fucked up reason, which my dad ALWAYS had to bring up...after i dont know how many sessions of this i was able to get rid of the catheter and bag and everything...i was sorta back to pissing normal ...i think i was going every two or four hours...and when i sleep im up every 4 hours....i was really happy things turned out...little did i know that all of it would be taken away for good about 8 years later....

Kidney disease sucks

So I had a busy, well busy for me, couple of days so I bet all of you fuckers who read my blatherings were on the edge of yer fucking seats, unable to sleep and all kinds of shit. Right? Ah fuck whatever. I've decided that the percentage of cursing will drastically increase in the coming days of this blog. Also fuck the name blog, I hate the fucking word, it's a a stupid Fucking yuppie too cool for school word. This here what I write I consider a story about me and my life. So fuck the word blog. Anyways, it was my birthday and I had fun and did some stuff that alot of you weren't involved in and it ruled.
So back to the drugs. My dad and I would try and come up with ways to take these little yellow fucking pieces of hell. Every nite we tried something. Putting each pill into the center of a pickle slice so I wouldn't taste it. Hahahahahah wtf? Man it didn't work for shit. And I've hated I mean HATED pickles ever since. We tried hypnotizing me with the bathroom lights. Fuuuuuuuuuck sakes I can still hear my dad. "hypnotic light, hypnotic light" over and over. Nothing worked but my parents, man they went thru hell just as much as I did and they were rock solid comfort for me. And they did everything they could to make me feel like I wasn't alone in my battle against cancer and also made me feel like I was unbeatable.
After a while dad and I figured out that (and here's a cool trick for all of you who hate taking pills that make it so you can't feel it. Take ythe pills with soda. It's carbonated and you don't feel sweet fucking tweet goin down yer throat. THe pie e of shit iphone I'm typing on won't let me see while I type so this shit is over for to Niteiuntil tomorrow.

Renal failure sucks

Woke up to the rain coming down in sheets. I love that sound, especially since I have really no reason to go out in it. Different story for Carmen. She's gotta work today and i'm pretty sure she'd rather stay in bed with me and the cats. Don't really feel all that bad today. Usually every bone and joint aches pretty damn bad which makes every movement hard to do which in turn makes me fucking have zero goddamn patience and am irritated to no end. This sometimes leads me to not wanna do anything or as little as possible. Painkillers help. And I mean real painkillers, not over the counter tylenol or advil or alleve. Even t3's are a joke. The other day cause i'd been feeling like complete ass all day and one of my best friends was in town and our plans were to hang out I took some T3's which he had brought with him. I obviously had none of my own. He looked kinda shocked when he saw i-----HANG THE FUCK ON FOR A SEC!! from now on in this blog and all that m ay come after i'm not using capitals to start a new sentence! it's too damn annoying!...does this mean im lazy? i could give a shit...come to think of it most punctuation might just fall by the wayside cause i mean really, am i getting graded on this? hell no...anyways, where was i...oh yea... he(my friend from L.A. figure it out if u can) was surprised i threw back 5 T3's without hesitating...considering ive been getting painkillers for more than half my life, ive got a fairly high tolerance...im not abusing anything and hopefully once my parathyroid gets cut out those can be a thing of the past...well maybe some recreational use from time time...hey, im no alter boy...plus the person who means more to me than anything else would rather i didnt take them...it actually turned out on a few occasions that the side effects from the painkillers weather its percocets or oxys arent worth it...i mean not being able to shit for a week REALLY FUCKING SUCKS THE HIGH HARD ONE!!! feeling pissed off, hot flashes, cold flashes, sluggishness in and out of the bathroom every 20 min because my body would tell me that "This is it!" "Its time to let er fly!" "Fucking haaul ass in there  Berube and take care of buisiness!"....only to get in there, sit on the throne and have ZERO fucking happen!...repeat this all day for a few days and you can bet that im one goddamn pissed off person...this has been a regular thing for the last 2 years or so...it makes trying to do anything a fucking hassle...so pain pills in moderation....hopefully once i start nocturnal dialysis more of my meds can be eliminated as well...i mean at the moment im taking 2 xtra strength Tums 3x a day before each meal to help bind to things like phosphorus, 2 sodium bicarbonate, 2 10mg ramipril which helps with blood pressure....mine is pretty fuckin high....getting rid of ANY blood pressure medication is every person with kidney disease dream...the side effects from blood pressure meds fucking suck! they do they're best to rob a man of one of life's most pleasurable things....yes thats right they try and keep you from "standing at attention" so to speak...my doctors actually told me because of  1. my blood pressure meds 2. the fact i have kidney disease 3. because im on dialysis 4. because of my past getting radiation treatment and chemotherapy...that i should expect to have an extremely, parden the pun, "hard" time getting "Matt jr." to wake up....let me tell you i spare no expense when comes to this....i went to see an endocrineologist who set me up with steroids(pure testosterone injections), and alot of scripts for viagra...i followed the docs regimine for the steroids but after like two months i wanted more of a bang...i mean it was helping out but i wanted to feel as close to how a normal person feels if not better....ah i'll continue later.
 So to continue, after a couple months the testosterone injections just werent cutting it anymore...i mean it was working, i had more energy i was definitley hornier and i felt pretty good but, i wanted more results....so i upped the dose of the steroids to those that rival someone who lives and breathes working out at the gym...i even asked people who had experience in this...well holy good god did i fucking notice a difference...i mean i was constantly i mean CONSTANTLY turned on and hornier than i had ever been in my life!...on a daily basis any guy will tell you that they see attractive women around town that they'd like to get it on with....well this turned into any and every woman...minus children of course...fat, skinny, old, weird, smelly, it didn't matter. it was almost funny....anyways i'm really getting off topic of the point of this blog so lets just say after a few months of this the side effects were too much for me to take and i shelved the steroids...havent taken any in two years but i'm really thinking of starting them back up...albeit a different brand and i'll stick with the required dose....
   Been house sitting for the last two days/nights. My girls sister is married to a great friend of mine and theyve got a great old place...it kinda sucks taking the stairs up and down to the bedroom because of my leg but we're leaving today...have felt fairly good the last few days...no leg pain, and stomach, even though its not perfect is kinda stable, well maybe not stable its just been better...gotta go to VGH today to see Dr. Mcgeregor about my parathyroidectomy....it's been two years that ive been trying to get it taken out...i flaked out on a few appts at st.Pauls so they sent me to VGH cause id pissed them off at St.Pauls....then the olympics came and the doc said nothing was happening around then...then I mangled my leg....THEN, surgery was booked but once again i pulled the chute because of my leg...shit, people can be pissed at me and disappointed that I cancelled it but when i'm already going to dialysis on crutches with a broken ankle and an air cast plus a knee brace to help with stabilizing my knee from the ruptured quadriceps tendon, i didn't need any thing else on my plate....fucking all that crap was enough, so i called the fucker off.....so now even though my leg isn't fully healed, its good enough, im using a cane but taking transit isn't all that bad...dialysis seems to be going ok as well...some days the hardest part of dialysis is the commute...wet, dirty, smelly....and thats the people that surround me, the buses arent too bad...except theres always the driver who even though they see that im using a cane, cant take the two seconds it takes to lower the bus to make it easier for me to get on...dicks! then they drive like theyve never been behind the wheel before...dicks!...
  Well this week will be especially long...aside from the consultation today ive got my usual dialysis wednesday nite and friday nite...but friday ive gotta see the pre-transplant team at St.Pauls...i'll talk with the doc, nurses, social worker about things...this combined with some tests in the coming week or two....nothing i aint done before 100 times....im pretty sure its so my file is up to date...i havent seen them in like 3 years so the results will likely be different and they wanna have things to be as recent as possible for when transplant becomes a possibility...which is something i dont think about much really...i dont wake up and think "today is the day!!!"...why?...cause it isnt.....there is no date, there is only a very vague time frame which i gave myself and that always changes....i have to say i dont even really think about it in a way like "this has to happen soon"....i dont really think about it like that....
 Anyways I have an appt to go to. I hope somebody will actually read this...and if you do could you leave a comment so i know that there is actually somebody reading this nonsense.

Renal failure sucks

I accidentally ended the last blog cause I'm fucking green when it comes to using the site. I'm ending this one now because I'm using my iPhone in bed, my fingers are cramping, I'm sweating fucking bullets(insert Megadeth vocals here) and well the copper moon that Carmen and I drank is slowing me down. Later today I'll get into why I really started this. So go to bed.

Renal failure sucks.

It's Saturday september 24th, no wait it's actually the 25th now cause it's around 4am. These days it really makes no difference if I have what would be called "normal" sleep patterns. When I wrecked my leg bowling last year it ruined those. It also threw a wrench into what was already a life of ALOT of ups and downs. We'll get to the drama of the leg later. This blog is gonna be about my trials and, I wanna say tribulations, about living with kidney disease but, fuck that word. My life is trials. No tribulations. So fuck them. I'm just gonna take a moment to exPlain that in this blog my grammar will be good/shoddy. Depending on how I feel. Same goes for spelling and the use of foul language. If this offends you, fuck off. Go read the fucking daily news. I couldnt give a fuck. I'm not saying I'm gonna sit here and Press people's buttons and try and offend them. Not at all. The fact is that alot of my life and the way I'll be explaining things in it isn't pretty and alot of it fucking sucks ass. That combined with how irritated I can get because of the amount if toxic shit in my blood at any given time makes for some x rated reading.